I love internet shopping. No crowds, no queues and no hunting for the right size. You can sit, in your pyjamas with a cuppa, hunting for that perfect dress. When it comes to sales, I'd rather pay full price than search through piles of dross to find a trodden on, slightly tired looking bargain. But sales online are a pleasure, you can peacefully fill your basket with lots of cut price treasures, and even more exciting, it means you get post! I never get post any more.
I see internet dating similar to internet shopping. In a city of 8,174,100 people, it seems both necessary yet strange that one has to turn to the internet to find a partner, but when you filter it to 195,000 people who live in London and are Jewish, the genepool suddenly becomes more limited. Still, despite attending a Jewish day school, spending a year in Israel, going to a university with the highest population of Jewish people in Europe and attending numerous 'jew do's' I still find myself painfully single and it has become increasingly difficult to meet new friends, nevermind anyone brave enough to spend more time with me. Thus, I have taken to the internet in my quest to find a boyfriend. I do find it a strange concept, and oddly similar to internet shopping. You put your credentials out there, and wait to be picked. You are ruthlessly picky with your expectations of people- you almost have a shopping list.. well educated, good sense of humour, doesn't live with their parents, has interests beyond computer games and football... the list is endless but it also sets your expectations of people before you've ever met them which can feel unnatural.
So far, I've had a few observations which I wanted to share with you all.
1) Honesty is the best policy.
I went on a date last week where the guy clearly lied to me, claiming he felt ill as soon as he saw me and then scuttling away after an hour and a half.
Now, this was a bit odd for me. I wasn't trying to seduce him, our conversation wasn't too stunted, and I'd made it clear that I liked meeting new people, even if we're not destined to be together, after observing body language that was only slightly more open than a clam. All in all, I'll admit there was no chemistry but was it really that bad that he had to bugger off after an hour and a half? Is it really so unappealing to have a drink with someone if you don't fancy them? It's not ideal to find yourself tipsy, hiding in the toilets of a bar waiting for the ordeal to finish and him to leave the bar.
Also, if you actually intend to meet up with someone rather than simply hiding behind the anonymity that the internet offers, don't tell someone that you're 6ft tall when you're actually 5ft. You will be found out.. unless you go on a date wearing heels, or stilts. This actually happened to me a few years ago. He's been nicknamed Dobby, both for his striking resemblance to the house elf and his large bat like ears. Harsh I know, I'm not exactly a super model, but I wouldn't have minded if he hadn't have totally lied about his height.
Dobby was actually responsible for one of the worst dates I've ever been on. He offered to send me his university dissertation 'to show me how it was done as he achieved 98%'...he shouted at me as my phone was ringing and ordered me to switch it off or put it away and he spent an extensive amount of time talking about green methods of IT. It was dull, to the extent I told a blatant lie to get out of there (yes I'm a hypocrite but it was 3 hours in and getting painful), walked with him to the station and hid behind the potatoes in Sainsbury's so not to have the awkward situation of saying goodbye to him at the station.
2) Chemistry is important, morals are more important.
My first internet date was with a guy who has since been named 'Ginger Sex Pest' (GSP).. it's a fairly self explanatory nickname, but I'll break out the different elements of the name for the sake of transparency.
I don't feel compelled to explain the Ginger part saying that... I went through a three week stage where I wanted to date a ginger guy.. then I realised procreating with a redhead would almost definitely mean ginger children given my mum and my grandmother are both natural red heads- nothing wrong with redheads, I'd just prefer the element of surprise.
GSP was so keen to meet me that he decided to move our first date from the Sunday, in a pub to the Saturday, when I was drunk, watching Britney Spears at G-A-Y. He turned up and immediately started attempting to grope me... I was less than impressed as I was missing Britney so gently tried to coax him into the club, rather than miss out on Ms Spears' dulcit tones. He declined my offer of joining me and my friends in the club.
The next day I was in limbo. Were we to meet that day or not? Needless to say my questions were answered around an hour before our date. He enjoyed our chemistry and he thought we had the potential of a great future relationship, he was concerned however, that I had too many gay friends. Therefore, if I could consider cutting down the number of gay friends I had, we could meet up for a second date. I didn't reply.
3) Ambition is attractive..even if you're not.
'Puffin' (due to his nose/beak) was actually not an internet date, but one I met on a night out. I couldn't remember exactly what he looked like, but agreed to meet up with him on a Sunday for lunch. When I first saw him, I wasn't attracted to him at all, but I wanted to get to know him as we'd got on well texting and chatting on the week leading up to our date.
Now, ambition is really important to me, that doesn't necessarily mean career-wise, but wanting to go out and meet new people, experience new things, see new places..etc. Unfortunately this guy had no ambition.. even more unfortunately, he also had no personality, sex appeal and a limited intellectual capacity, so, the date was fairly doomed from the start. My favourite part of it was when he told me about his job. He'd told me during the week that he was a 'trader'.. that could mean anything of course, but I wrongly assumed he was implying he worked in finance. What I later found out was that he meant was that he was a scrap metal trader (an obvious misconception on my part). When I asked him what that entailed, he informed me.. in the dullest monotone voice you've ever heard: 'In the morning, I go out in the van and buy scrap metal, and in the afternoon, I sell it. My friends think it's funny that I get home at 2pm, but I think they're jealous because I get to watch Hollyoaks'. The conversation dried up after that.
Alongside the ones I met up with were the countless others who I've chatted to and not met up with, the one that went missing and was found wandering naked in a forest a few days later, the guy that had a foot fetish (even if I were into that, I have terrible feet), the guy that wanted to pay me money to publicly humiliate him (don't I do that enough to myself for free) and the guy that continuously sent me messages containing only Italian madrigals (it wasn't that that put me off him but his unkempt beard).
There are the bearded guys, the bald guys, the short guys, the guys who went to uni, the guys who dropped out of school at a young age. The worst offence, worse than no ambition, rudeness, lying about your height, and any of the other things I've experienced is a simple matter of grammar. I find the over use of the word 'lol'.. positively repellant. It's like a verbal tick.
'Hi lol'
'How are you lol'
'Are you having a good day lol'
'lol'
'Lol'? Really? Are you really laughing out loud? it seems somewhat disingenuous to me, if not unimaginative.
Saying this, at least the guys in my first dates taught me something about what I'd like in a boyfriend... someone who is at least an inch taller than me, someone who doesn't revel in the fact his job allows him to indulge in the viewing habits of a student, someone that isn't homophobic... the guy last week, taught me nothing. In fact, he was so dull and unmemorable that I haven't even graced him with a nickname, I'm not sure which scenario is worse. What I am sure about is that sometimes, even as a painfully single person, it's clear internet dating sometimes holds the same appeal as internet shopping, it's easier to browse from the comfort of my sofa, than pick up someone's trodden on reject.
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