There comes a time in any modern single girls life where they have to face the facts. To stand up and be counted. To shout loudly from the roof tops and tell everyone they know. I, am a Tinder addict. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I enjoy nothing more than lying in bed, and swiping left, or right, based purely on whether or not this one person has an attractive profile photo.
In order to justify this debasing behaviour in my mind, I've convinced myself that this is an anthropological study. A microcosm of society, with varying objectives, showcasing themselves in the most flattering light possible. So, what have I concluded from this study? Well, a few things, mostly, that there are a lot of strange people in this world, or perhaps it's magnified on Tinder. Secondly, there are a lot of seedy people in this world, and I can only hope that my fellow strong, independent, confident (sometimes) females, don't partake in the suggested activities. My third theory remains just that, a theory. Somewhere, in a sea of odd bods, there will be a gem.
To further advance my scientific theory, I have grouped together people, based on how they present themselves, both verbally and visually.
Tinder male type 1: The tattoo'd hardnut.
What do they look like?
These men proudly display their inked biceps, either with or without photos of their face. From sleeves to 'tramp stamps' (is there a male equivalent?) these men take time to angle the camera to highlight the intricacies of the artistry, and, show very little else. Some, alarmingly, like to wield firearms at the camera, and conversely others, sensitively hug their pet dog/cat/hamster/horse, to counterbalance the hardnut demeanor. It's most confusing.
What do they think this says about them?
Depending on the design and placement, I would suggest that this differs, however, for the sake of this study, I'll make a broad brushstroke assumption: they want to show you how 'hard' they are. Ladies, these men can take the pain. They don't just have one, small, pishy tattoo, a token tattoo if you will, no, they want to show you that they can sit through hours of pain, if not hours, WEEKS. This, you will find attractive, because I am a man and I can withstand pain. But, it doesn't stop there. These inked adonises have more than one layer ladies. They are also, artistic. This, means, that they're both strong, and creative, and probably sensitive to boot. Why sensitive? Well, those works of art, that adorn their rippling biceps.. They have meaning. Meanings so deep, the only way they can be explained is by taking you out on a crap date and boring the hell out of you for two hours.
The Bridget verdict?
These idiots will regret permanently scarring themselves when they can't be arsed to go to the gym and their skin sags, and I certainly don't want to have to stare at a saggy old tattoo when I'm old and grey. A definite swipe left, for no way would I date them.
Tinder male type 2: the flasher.
What do they look like?
From bare bums, to willies, any self respecting tinderella will have seen it all. Some flashers, like to show off their 'assets' in various poses, others, just one, simple shot.
Flashers usually accompany these pseudo-pornographic photos with a compelling strap line, with a strong call to action. Examples include 'come get it, ladies' or 'yes, I am that pleased to see you'. These tinderites NEVER show their face, nor are they interested in conversation... In case you were wondering. If you do chose to converse with them, they usually will start the conversation with something as simple as 'DTF', charming, alluring and romantic.
What do they think this says about them?
'I want sex, and lots of it'
Fellow tinderella's, make no mistake. These men don't care about anything other than getting some. One doesn't need to be an anthropologist to work that one out.
The Bridget Verdict?
SWIPE LEFT! (But first take a screenshot and send to friends, so they can share your disbelief/disgust/surprise- pick applicable emotion)
Tinder male type number 3: the married man/the married man with kids.
What do they look like?
Picture the scene: you're minding your own business, swiping left (and very occasionally right) and you come across a photo of a happily married couple. The bride's veil, blowing gently in the breeze, the groom, staring lovingly at his chosen one. Hold on, you think, this isn't facebook, why am I being assaulted with another photo of a happily married couple on their special day? You reassure yourself. Clearly, this man was the best man, he's showing his sensitive side. So you start to browse through his photos. And slowly, it dawns on you. This man wasn't the best man, he was the groom, and what's more, he has three, beautiful children.
What do they think this says about them?
I have no idea. I have racked my brains for hours. What the hell would possess anyone to put photos of their wedding day and children on a dating app? Answers on a postcard please.
The Bridget verdict?
These men are brazen. They hold little regard for the sanctity of the marriage vows they have undertaken. They're also stupid. They have no concept of the power of social networking. Because, my dear readers, tinder is handily linked to Facebook. As such, it shows you if you have any mutual friends. These men, will be found out. A friend of a friend of their wife will see them. Swipe left, or find yourself an unwilling participant in a real life soap opera.
Tinder male type 4: The mirrored selfie taker
I have nothing intelligent to say about this, except WHY?? Men of tinder, you do realise that a selfie is taken with the front camera of your iPhone. You don't need to display yourself in a reflective surface to be seen... Apple inc has taken the hard work out of taking photos of yourself.
The Bridget verdict?
If you're going to do it, at least clean your mirror in advance. Did your mothers not teach you anything? Swipe left, until they learn about the core features of their phones, and apply basic hygiene in their bathroom.
Tinder male type 5: The sporty man
What do they look like?
Ripped. Healthy. Competitive. Action packed. Daring.
These men regularly partake in competitive sports and want you to know about it. From rugby to football, golf to boxing, martial arts to sky diving, I've seen it all.
What do they think these photos say about them?
Like all the best propaganda posters, these tinderites have designed their profiles carefully. With a main message and underlying meaning.
The main message here is: I am sporty. I have no fear. I am a man's man. I can ski, and play golf, and ride a horse, sometimes simultaneously. I am that good, the Old Spice man has nothing on me.
The underlying message is: let's date, exclusively in the week. Actually scratch that, exclusively on Wednesdays. Why? Because I am a busy man. At the weekends I will be skiing in France with the lads and I will play football and rugby after work. Wednesdays are my free day, so fit in, or shut up.
The Bridget verdict?
Hell no, I've tried skiing once, it was a disaster, I find it difficult walking down the street without falling over.. Swipe left.
Tinder Male Type 5: The odd ball.
What do they look like?
There is no one size fits all for the odd ball. Actually, the opposite. There are some who just stray from convention, punks, strange piercings, oddities that one can find just walking down the street in London. But some, chose tinder to display their sexual fantasies. Foot fetishes, or dressing up as a women, all these men are looking for acceptance, and delight in the opportunity to display themselves in all their strange glory to potential suitors.
The Bridget verdict?
I'm a fan of convention.. and I'm not sure how my family would react if I brought home a man dressed as a french maid.. swipe left
And thus concludes the findings of my Tinder study. An interminable stream of sporty, unconventional sex pests awaits you, as soon as you click on that red and white icon on your screen. Interestingly, this form of dating app has become so socially acceptable, that my attached friends have developed a kind of Tinder
FOMO. They say things like 'I wish I was single so I could go on
Tinder.' This, annoys me. Why would anyone, who has found their match, want to wade through consistent stream of freaks just to MAYBE find someone just to go on a date with? However, a girl can still hope, there is a chance, even if its a Lilliputian chance, that I will find my needle in the mobile haystack and my Prince Charming will swipe right for me. But just in case I need to stop being so picky, I may just try skiing again.
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